The Modest Mom

Caroline and I have been missing from The Modest Mom blog for several days. Our Grandma died on Wednesday and we really haven't had time or felt up to blogging. We are preparing for her Memorial service on Saturday. I know our last giveaway has ended and we haven't posted a winner yet. We will try to get that up tomorrow. Thanks for the understanding in our delay.
Blessings, Caroline Allen & Jennifer Allen

Labels: Personal Ramblings

Janelle (Blessednation@)

Labels: Giveaways

I think garage sales are an awesome invention by some brilliant Mom years in the past. As I grew up garage sales were The Summer Activity. Many a Wednesday we would load up in our mini van and take off for the day. Mom knew the neighborhoods that were likely to have the nicest items for sale. She would stock up on toys, clothes, nick nacs, and more. To me garage sales are just part of the frugal life. I have carried on the tradition and though I don't have need of much for myself right now, I can shop for my sister and her children. When I read this article at Money Saving Mom I knew you all needed to read it as well. This is excellent advice on putting together a garage sale yourself! From Jennifer Allen

Labels: Home and Garden

You may have noticed the latest banner I added to the blog. I read Keeper of the Home's blog when I have a chance, and have been blessed and inspired by her posts on how to eat healthy. So when I heard she came out with a new book, I instantly sent her an email asking if I could do a review and giveaway of it. I was delighted when she said yes!

Real Food on a Real Budget, how to eat healthy for less has been an inspiring book to read. I can tell it has been a labor of love for her to write, as the e-book is 257 pages long! It is packed full of information on describing eating foods in season, and how to do that. Where to find natural/organic food for cheaper. Growing your own food, or finding it locally. Meal planning, buying in bulk, preserving your food...you can find this and lots more in this e-book!

I am not a stranger to eating organic food, but the last few years due to a tight budget we have not been able to do that as much. I am slowly trying to get back to that, as I know it is important for us to eat fresh, local foods. Organic would be really nice, but if I can find things grown locally that is really good also. I'm blessed to garden with my Mother in Law every year, and we can and freeze a lot of things each summer. The encouragement I found from this e-book was very refreshing, and I gleaned lots of new ideas also!

I would high recommend this book to anyone looking to implement eating healthier in their family. Or for those who already eat healthy I'm sure you can glean some new ideas and tips from this book!

Buy It!
You can purchase this as a e-book copy on sale for $18.97 or buy or a paperback copy on sale for $25.97!


Win It!
Keeper of the home is giving one of our readers a Read Food on a Real Budget e-book.To enter, visit Keepers of the Home and tell me something you can expect to learn from this e-book! This is required and must be done before the extra entries count!

EXTRA ENTRIES!
You can do any of these things for an extra entry. Make sure to leave a separate comment for EACH thing you do.


1- Subscribe to our blog via email.


2. Follow us on our blog using Google Friend connect!

3. Follow us on Facebook and leave a comment letting us know.

4. Follow us on Twitter and leave a comment letting us know you follow!

5. Blog about this giveaway and leave the link.-2 extra entries (leave two comments saying you did this).

6- Place our Modest Mom button on your blog.

PLEASE leave a separate comment each time you do one of the above. The comments are closed on this post, just use the form below to enter. We never share your email addresses with anyone, which is why we use the form to keep them private!

This giveaway will end Friday night, May 28th at midnight, and a winner will be posted the following morning.

We will notify the winner and they will have 36 hours to respond!


This was not a paid post and my honest opinions were used. The opinions are solely my own. Thank you to Keeper of the Home who supplied the products for the review and giveaway. Please note I am signed up as an affiliate with Keeper of the Home and do earn a percentage off of each sale of the e-book.

Labels: Giveaways, Reviews

It was brought to my attention that the news video I posted on the breastfeeding modestly post used the Lords name in vain. I have since pulled the video, and I am very sorry that I let that slip through. I wholeheartedly agree with the reader who emailed me that we should never take the Lord's name in vain, and it is a serious offense if we do. That was not edifying, and I am sorry about that.

On another note, I also want to clarify this point again, as I have done in the past. Some of my used clothes are of a more modern style with the wrap front look, etc. They are low cut, and I would *never* wear them that way. The last year tank tops and t-lets have become my best friend! I had another email with concern that I thought those were modest, and as I have posted before you really need to wear a tank top under those low cut tops to be modest. I just know how hard it is to find modest tops, and when I realized you could layer (with a high cut tank top) and still be modest this last pregnancy I was really excited! So I sell those items with that disclosure.

Our Sunday's are always open to a change in plans. Yesterday family was persuaded to stay and we sprang into quick action for supper. We had the most delicious potato soup from my mother-in-law. She made it with already baked potatoes, cream, bacon bits, and green onions. (I need the recipe!) We had muffins, whole wheat bread, and some wonderful oranges. I decided to go ahead and fix our dessert for the week, Pumpkin Pie Cake. I tried tweaking the recipe by adding the butter and cake mix together to see if I could get it to be like a crumble on top. That was a royal mess so I'll stick to the recipe for now on. It is wonderful to have menu plans, food on hand, and be prepared to make changes on the spot as needed. It is a blessing to work together and enjoy an afternoon and evening of fellowship and rest with family. Now let the busy week begin. I'm ready. :-)

Labels: Menu Plans

Labels: Modesty, Motherhood

*Drum Roll* And the winners are:


The winner of the Tommee Tippee Sipee Cup Giveaway is:
kristen_yeh@

The winner of the Quick Fix Healthy Mix Book is:
mamasusan@

Congratulations! Winners were chosen using Random.org. You will be receiving an email from the Modest Mom. Thank you to all who entered. We have more Giveaways coming soon...

Labels: Giveaways

One of the most common topics in arguments between couples is money. Worrying about having enough money to care for your family’s needs can put a huge burden on your shoulders, and that financial burden leads to enormous stress.

Labels: Home and Garden

I come from a family that gets headaches easily from chemical cleaning products. Through the years my Mom would find effective and cheap recipes for making her own household cleaning products. Most of them would work well. Some would not. I was used to having these homemade cleaners sitting around in spray bottles or plastic containers ready for use. When I had my own home I decided to check into some books on making your home cleaners.

I had two purposes in looking for good home cleaner recipes:
1. You can control the ingredients and avoid harmful chemicals.
2. Making your own cleaners cost a fraction of buying them in the store.

I was disappointed with some of the books I looked at. They would require expensive ingredients, which defeated part of my main reason of wanting to make home cleaners. Or a hard to find ingredient item would take up more time than I was willing to spare in hunting it down. When Krause Publications sent me Natural Alternatives to review and giveaway I was excited. I love this book!

The first thing that impressed me was the author. Casey Kellar knows what she is doing in putting together these eco-friendly products. She's been involved in the beauty and home fragrance industry for more than 23 years, which includes her role as a "natural" chemical designer/compounder. Translation: Her recipes should work.

With 175 precise recipes, easy-to-follow instructions and photos you can’t go wrong. I was thrilled with the huge variety of recipe topics:

Chapter 1: Skin, Home Spa Treatments, Hair, Teeth, Children’s Bubbles & Powders, How to save money on essential oils and perfumes.

Chapter 2: Clean Air, Clean Water, Simple Home remedies for Minor Ailments

Chapter 3: Around the Home, Floor to Ceiling Solutions, Metal Cleaners, Garage & Home, and more.

Chapter 4: Pet Treats, First Aid for Pets

Chapter 5: Indoor Plants, Patio Gardens

Chapter 6: Pesky Pests and Repellants

So far I have tried: Relaxing Sea-Salt Bath Soak, Bubble Bubble, Sore Throat Treatment, and House Plant Polish. I’m looking forward to trying more of the recipes in the near future. Making my own hair shampoo will be first on the list. This is the best book to date I have found for creating your own home products. Instead of hunting all over for the home cleaners and more that you need just check this book out. That could be all you need.

From Jennifer Allen

Stay tuned for more fun reviews and giveaways that are coming soon!!

Buy It!
You can purchase this book at Krause Books currently for $19.99.


Win It!
Krause Books is giving one of our readers a Natural Alternatives for You and Your Home book.To enter, visit Krause Books and tell me another product that you would like. This is required and must be done before the extra entries count!

EXTRA ENTRIES!
You can do any of these things for an extra entry. Make sure to leave a separate comment for EACH thing you do.


1- Subscribe to our blog via email.


2. Follow us on our blog using Google Friend connect!

3. Follow us on Facebook and leave a comment letting us know.

4. Follow us on Twitter and leave a comment letting us know you follow!

5. Blog about this giveaway and leave the link.-2 extra entries (leave two comments saying you did this).

6- Place our Modest Mom button on your blog.

PLEASE leave a separate comment each time you do one of the above. The comments are closed on this post, just use the form below to enter. We never share your email addresses with anyone, which is why we use the form to keep them private!

This giveaway will end Wednesday, May 26th at midnight, and a winner will be posted the following morning.

We will notify the winner and they will have 36 hours to respond!

Open to US Only.


This was not a paid post and my honest opinions were used. The opinions are solely my own. Thank you to Krause Books who supplied the products for the review and giveaway.

Labels: Giveaways, Reviews

Labels: Giveaways, Reviews

The past week was full of rain. We had so many outdoor projects we wanted to get to, maybe this week. I did manage to get all my Mom's flowers planted in her pots and hanging baskets. We have rain in the forecast for the next two days then some blessed sunshine. I'm ready!

I looked through the freezer again. I realized I have a number of bags of blueberries left. I need to get going on more blueberry muffins, pancakes, and more. Not a bad thing to "need" to do.:-) Each year we have gone and picked blueberries and frozen them. Then we have a friend who travels to another part of our state and buys cases of blueberries for those who want to order them from her church. She heads back with her van packed full. Needless to say we stuff ourselves full of fresh blueberries, then freeze and live off the rest until the next summer. Aren't friends wonderful? :-)

Breakfast:
Monday- Oatmeal
Giant Breakfast Cookies, bananas
Cereal
French Toast, fruit
Oatmeal, fruit
Breakfast Burritos
Bread,Egg,Potato

Lunch:
Monday-Leftovers
Potato soup, Salad
Chicken & Noodle Soup, veggies, fruit
PB & J, fruit, veggies
Stir Fry w Rice, veggies, fruit
Grilled Cheese Sandwich, Tomato Soup
Sack Lunch

Snacks
Cranberry Pudding
Homemade Whole Wheat Graham Crackers
Popcorn
veggies

Supper:
Monday- Leftovers
Four Cheese Spaghetti, Garlic Bread, Corn on Cob, Green Beans
Stir Fry over Spaghetti Noodles, Strawberry Slushies
Cheese Pizza, Vanilla Pudding, Salad
Chicken Pot Pie, Peaches, Salad
Stir Fry over Spaghetti Noodles, Strawberry Slushies
Quiche, Salad, fruit

Dessert:
Blueberry Crisp

Labels: Menu Plans

In my early twenties I was dreaming of going into another country as a missionary. I thought it would be so wonderful to share about Christ and bring ministry to other people. I told the Lord that was what I wanted to do with my life. As I prayed about this it didn’t take long for the Lord to bring to my attention the fact that I already had a mission field of my own. Where was this place I could minister? It was within my own family.

Many times we can have grand and glorious visions of doing great works for God.We want to go somewhere, someplace, but do a work for God at home? I can share the testimony of my life and what God has done to teach me of the path he had for me.

God had a calling on my life for a number of years to be a blessing to my own family. My Mom was diagnosed with Epilepsy after I was born. It was determined to be the result of a head injury when she was in junior high. When my younger brother and sister were born and Mom began home schooling all three of us she had her hands full. If she took enough medication to totally control her seizures she was so drowsy there was no way she could teach us or drive a car for that matter. At a young age I learned how to take care of her when she was having a seizure.

When I was 16 our family had taken on a vacation in Florida to visit my grandparents. Mom and Dad had been hoping to be blessed with another child and when Mom started feeling pretty sick on the way home from Florida she was excited thinking she might be pregnant. We all had a difficult time of it when she found out she was not pregnant. Further test revealed the reason she was feeling so awful. She had Lupus. After that diagnosis my Mom became sicker and sicker.

She spent the next year bed fast many days. I remember a time she got pneumonia and was so weak we had to feed her ourselves. She had no strength to lift a spoon. My brother Jason was 13 and my sister Caroline was 10. At that time I had to be responsible for running the household. Despite her health Mom was determined to keep home schooling. She taught us from bed. That was the one thing she decided to use any energy on. I helped Jason and Caroline with their schoolwork too. I kept the three of us on the cleaning schedule Mom had assigned to us long ago. I was in charge of meals, laundry, grocery shopping, and so on. This was the beginning of learning that I needed to be a blessing to my own family. I was very worried about my Mom but I don’t remember being totally overwhelmed with keeping up on the house. Mom had taught me how to run a home and I was ready for the task ahead. Dad kept up with all the outdoor work on our property.

At the age of 18 I had some dreams for my life. I was often questioned even at age16 about where I would go to college. I was asked what career I wanted to pursue. The first job I wanted wasn’t one I could “pursue”. I wanted to get married, have a family, and home school my own children. I realized that was in God’s hands. I was interested in writing and considered going to college to be a journalist. Through high school I had thought about becoming a vet or a constitutional lawyer.

As I prayed about it I realized what it would mean to my family if I left home. My Mom depended enough on my help homeschooling my brother and sister that they would probably have to go to private school or public school. I realized God was giving me a direction and purpose at that time in my life. I needed to bring ministry and help to my own family. People didn’t understand when I told them I wasn’t going to college. I had decided to study the subjects that interested me from home. In the end it didn’t matter to me what other people thought. I knew what God was asking me to do and that was enough for me.

When I was 21 my family moved to be near my great-grandparents because of their failing health. My Great-Grandma had Alzheimer’s. My Mom was very close to her Grandma. She had been more like a mother to her than a grandmother. My Great-Grandpa was overwhelmed with caring for Grandma and their very cluttered home. Jason, Caroline, and I started going over every 2 weeks to spend the day cleaning their house and doing laundry. This act of love impacted my Great-Grandpa so much that we saw a thawing of his heart towards us and God. He was becoming a new man.

In time my Great-Grandpa was diagnosed with bone cancer. Grandpa was feeling ill and a decision had to be made. It was decided Grandpa would come live with us and Grandma would go to a nursing home 1 block from our house. My parents didn’t think we could handle as a family my Mom’s illness plus both my great-grandparents living with us. After we took Grandpa to his daily cancer treatments we would go by and visit our great-grandma at the nursing home. Sunday afternoons we would take a little electric keyboard and sing hymns to all the patients on the Alzheimer ward. On a January 15th my Great-Grandpa died in our home due to his cancer.

After Grandpa died there were many things to tend to in legal and financial matters, and Grandma was still in the nursing home. One of my aunt’s and I had been power of attorney for my great-grandparents. Because Grandpa had not prepared at all for the time of his death it took months to tend to all the legal matters, clean out and sell their house and so forth.

A year later our family and one of my aunts gathered to my Grandma’s bedside as she died. Another chapter in God’s calling in my life had closed. I continued to devote time to our home and my brother and sister’s schooling. I worked part-time and prayed often for God’s guidance in my life.

If we fast forward a few years we come to the day my sister Caroline graduated from high school. Several months later she married her one and only sweetheart, Sean. I was so very grateful God had blessed her with the love of this godly young man! At this point I had been working as a dental laboratory technician and then moved into dental assisting. We got a call one day from my grandparents in Florida. My Grandpa’s cancer had returned after a surgery the previous year and the prognosis this time was not good. I made a decision to quit my job and move to Florida to help my grandparents during this time. Really I was the only one in the family (being single at the time) in a position to do that. I treasure the time I spent with Grandpa and Grandma. Grandpa died January 15, 2001. That May I flew down to Florida to help my Grandma move to Missouri. I spent a month cleaning out her house, having a garage sale, and packing everything. Once she moved to Missouri I spent a lot of time helping her unpack and tending to business.

I look back through these years and feel blessed that I chose a path in life that allowed me to care for the needs of my family. I would encourage you to ask God to show you how to be a blessing to your family. If you look at your family in the light of “what can I give” instead of “what can I get” you will find some awesome opportunities to grow in charity and faith. Talk to your brothers and sisters, to your parents, to your extended family. What can you do to bless their lives and give testimony of Jesus Christ? The answer for each of us will be very different, yet we are all needed in some way. Oh what God can do with a willing heart and loving spirit!

By Jennifer Allen

Labels: Personal Ramblings

Have you ever heard of the game Mother, May I? No, I don’t mean the innocent little game of “baby steps” and “kangaroo hops.” I mean the “game” of pestering and whining, “Mother, may I stay up late tonight? Pleeeeeeze, please, please? All my friends are doing it and . . . ” Perhaps you played this game yourself with your mother.

Today you might see the same situation in homeschooling. “Mother, I don’t have my assignment done. I know you said today is the deadline, but I need a couple more days to complete it.”

Do you answer Yes or No? What factors go into making that decision? You know the difference in your child’s voice whether he is cajoling and manipulating or respectfully presenting a request for his authority to consider. Your position as the authority can make all the difference.

Charlotte gave this example: “ ‘Oh, mother, may we go blackberrying this afternoon, instead of lessons?’ The masterly ‘yes’ and the abject ‘yes’ are quite different notes. The first makes the holiday doubly a delight; the second produces a restless desire to gain some other easy victory.”

You see, the parent whose authority is not securely in place thinks of this type of situation more as “giving in” than as granting a favor. A parent whose authority is secure knows that granting a favor will not affect her authority. She is still in charge. And she gets a little joy from being able to please her small ones in this way as a special treat.

Charlotte called this aspect of Masterly Inactivity “good humour––frank, cordial, natural, good humour. This is quite a different thing from overmuch complacency, and a general giving-in to all the children’s whims. The one is the outcome of strength, the other of weakness, and children are very quick to see the difference.”

Next time your children want to play this kind of Mother, May I, ask yourself whether you feel like you are giving in to their demands. Are you just trying to make the whining stop, or are you afraid they won’t like you if you say No? That feeling is a signal that you are not operating from a position of Masterly Inactivity.

On the other hand, when your children ask, “Mother, May I?” do you feel like you are granting a favor from a secure position of benevolent authority? That’s the position that ensures good humor for both you and your children.

Go here to read the rest from Simply Charlotte Mason website. This is a free e-book download!

Labels: Motherhood

We have several giveaways that ended...

Labels: Giveaways

Recently I was at church for a class on using mixes for cooking. Our teacher was a mother of 4 who has used mixes for years to save money, time, and have healthier food on hand than anything she could ever buy in a box. Laurie brought a multitude of resources for us to look at and the ingredients to put together mixes of our own to try at home. In the middle of this class she held up the book Quick-Fix Healthy Mix and said it was the best book on mixes she has ever found. Sold!

I have looked through several books on mixes before. When Krause Publications send me this book to review and giveaway I was excited to see the extensive number of mixes included. This book is awesome! There are fourteen chapters focused on "master mixes" in various food categories that will keep in your pantry for several weeks to months. Then there are recipes using the master mix as the staple and adding things to make a variety of meals, or storable "just add egg and water" mixes for cookies, cakes, waffles, muffins, and much more.

This was written by a mother and daughter team with years of experience combined in preparing healthy and affordable mix recipes. As I tried out some of the recipes I liked the fact with a mix I have more control over the content than buying a mix in the store. If I want to lower the salt or sugar in one of the mixes it is simple to do so, or add more of a certain ingredient according to the taste of my family. This book gives you all the nutrition information and is focused on ways to ensure that the mix is healthy.

The mix recipes in this book go beyond the normal baked goods, beans, rice, and gift mix ideas. The 225 mix recipes include some on dairy products, barbecue sauces, salad dressings, seasonings, beverages, and dried foods and jerky. I decided to give some of these mixes a try before the review. So far I have made:

Pancake & Waffle Mix
Muffin Mix
Master Baking Mix
Master Cake Mix
Master Cream Sauce Mix
Homemade Maple Syrup
Master Brownie Mix
Dry Creamy & Steamy Rice Mix

The only one I disliked as written was the Master Baking Mix. For my family I needed to modify the ingredients. If you are new to mixes I would recommend starting out with a few recipes. If a mix doesn’t turn out quite the taste you like don’t give up. Just go back and add or subtract ingredients like salt or sugar to get the taste you want. These mixes would make good gifts in mason jars, pretty containers, etc. that anyone would appreciate.

If you are concerned about making mixes and storing them just think about this. How many of you have boxed foods in your pantry? Just realize if you take some time to make your own mixes they will be replacing some of those boxed foods. You can use storage bags (Ziploc style), inexpensive plastic containers that can be reused, or clean out plastic containers like yogurt and cottage cheese when you are done and use for a mix. Save any glass mason type jars such as spaghetti sauce for mixes. If you think ahead, save, and are creative it won’t cost you much to be prepared for storing mixes.

I would highly recommend beginning to incorporate mixes into your cooking. You’ll save money while stocking your kitchen with healthy and quick cooking. If you begin with the Quick-Fix Healthy Mix book you can’t go wrong!

From Jennifer Allen

Stay tuned for more fun reviews and giveaways that are coming soon!!

Buy It!
You can purchase this book at Krause Books currently for $13.59.

Win It!
Krause Books is giving one of our readers a Quick-Fix Healthy Mix book.To enter, visit Krause Books and tell me another product that you like. This is required and must be done before the extra entries count!

EXTRA ENTRIES!
You can do any of these things for an extra entry. Make sure to leave a separate comment for EACH thing you do.

1- Subscribe to our blog via email.

2. Follow us on our blog using Google Friend connect!

3. Follow us on Facebook and leave a comment letting us know.

4. Follow us on Twitter and leave a comment letting us know you follow!

5. Blog about this giveaway and leave the link.-2 extra entries (leave two comments saying you did this).

6- Place our Modest Mom button on your blog.

PLEASE leave a separate comment each time you do one of the above. The comments are closed on this post, just use the form below to enter. We never share your email addresses with anyone, which is why we use the form to keep them private!

This giveaway will end Tuesday, May 19th at midnight, and a winner will be posted the following morning.

We will notify the winner and they will have 36 hours to respond! Open to US Only.

This was not a paid post and my honest opinions were used. The opinions are solely my own. Thank you to Krause Books who supplied the products for the review and giveaway.

Labels: Giveaways, Reviews

Labels: Giveaways

I was amazed to discover several months ago that I had never heard of the CSN store! I suddenly saw the name popping up all over blogs, and went to the website only to discover that it is a store like Walmart or Amazon, complete with thousands of items. They sell everything from Entertainment Centers, cribs, faucets, or shoes! A wide variety of items. The best part is that they offer free shipping on most items! So you can buy a heavy set of dishes and get it shipped for free!

Labels: Reviews

Due to the busy weekend my priority was not in getting my menu plan done by Saturday night. Instead I will be making my menu plan this afternoon. You'll have to excuse me for being out of the loop this week. Instead I thought I would share a few of my favorite recipes.

The first is a spinach salad. It is great with crackers and vegetables for a lunch or as an appetizer. Alas, I am in the only one in my home who will eat it. Solution? I will halve the recipe so there isn't so much of it and enjoyed it by my lonesome.:-)

Spinach Salad
2 boxes frozen spinach
4 hard boiled eggs, diced
½ cup diced onion
1 cup shredded cheese, cheddar
1 tsp. garlic salt
¼ tsp. Tabasco
1 Tbsp. vinegar
½ cup mayo

Thaw frozen spinach and squeeze dry (excess water). Mix all ingredients adding the eggs last. Refrigerate and serve. This taste best on the second day.
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Putter Fingers:
This recipe was a mainstay for my Mom as we were growing up. Not only are they quite yummy but the Putter Fingers are a great source of protein. Perfect to be made up for pregnant moms!

Putter Fingers
½ cup melted butter
3 cups quick oats
1 cup honey
3 Tb. Carob powder (or cocoa)
¾ cup powdered milk
½ tsp. salt
2 tsp. vanilla
½ cup peanut butter
½ cup raisins
½ cup sunflower seeds
(optional: can omit the raisins and sunflowers seeds and add 1 cup of carob chips or chocolate ships.)

Combine melted butter and oats in a large bowl. Mix well. Add remaining ingredients and mix well. Shape with moist hands or buttered hands into balls. Chill until firm. Store in closed container in the refrigerator.
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Looking for a healthy simple drink? Look no further. I have wanted to find something my husband would enjoy as a smoothie but would get some green veggies in for him. This green smoothie has been perfect! My husband likes it and is more than happy to get his spinach down this way since he can’t taste it. I buy a large bag of frozen strawberries at Costco and my organic spinach.

Green Smoothie
1cup Frozen banana slices
1 cup frozen strawberries
1 cup fresh spinach
1 cup orange juice

Blend together and drink. Makes 1 serving
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For the bananas I realized I could freeze my own much cheaper than buying them in the store.
I found a bunch of ripe bananas on sale.

I cut them up in slices putting them on a wax paper covered cookie sheet.

Labels: Recipes

What is the crux of marital problems? My husband and I were discussing this while planting strawberries last night. I told Neil about this review of a book I want to read at Her.meneutics blog. I told Neil the author of this book on marriage points out the crux of problems with marriages today comes down this: selfishness. Neil said a hearty "Amen!". It's a struggle in our lives, maybe yours as well.

The paragraph that made me want to stop reading my current book and pick this one up was:

"Perhaps the most challenging truth that Tripp encourages us to embrace is that our greatest marital problem is ourselves. The Bible continually warns us of our own self-deception and requires us to accept that we do not see ourselves the way God sees us. We will always rise to our own defense and succumb to blaming someone else and believing the best about ourselves. Not surprisingly, God specifically uses the marital relationship to reveal the sin of self-righteousness. A marriage that is doomed to fail can be transformed when even just one person begins to see themselves in this light and confesses with genuine humility the ways they have damaged the relationship. Grace is available in full measure when we recognize this and let God examine our hearts so thoroughly that we are willing to accept whatever it is he reveals to us."

Amen and Amen! A truth to remember not only in marriage but every relationship we have. This stands in direct contrast to the popular teaching that life is "all about me". Personally, I've never found myself a very pleasant individual to spend time with when all I focus on is myself.

I will note that there are marriages where one spouse is involved in so much sin: adultry, abuse of spouse and/or children, drug abuse etc. that there are godly boundries that need to be drawn to protect yourself and your children from what is being done. That being said, there is much to learn from living unselfishly in any marriage.

This is the review by Lynn Roush, guest blogger at Her.meneutics :

During our engagement, my husband and I dutifully pursued premarital counseling. A well-meaning seminary professor and his wife graciously walked us through some of the highlights and lowlights of their marriage and how they had addressed issues. We covered faithfulness, forgiveness, and the roles of a husband and wife. But what I remember most about the evening was feeling that I already had marriage figured out. We were both seminary students who loved God, knew Scripture, and had great communication skills. That, coupled with our mutual love, meant that we were could do marriage “right” and avoid the sinkholes that had doomed other relationships.

Twelve years later, I am still, by God’s grace, happily married, but I continue to be confronted with the extent of my foolishness in those early days. I have faced unfulfilled expectations, disappointments, and unmet needs, just like every other married person has. Minimally, I could have better anticipated the hard seasons of marriage if I had understood the biblical concepts fleshed out in Paul David Tripp’s new book, What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage (Crossway).

Tripp's biblical wisdom burrows beneath the layers of roles, communication mishaps, and felt needs that are the typical driving forces of Christian marriage how-to manuals, and arrives at the fundamental root of all marital problems: who or what we worship. To date, this is the first Christian book on marriage I have read that does not use the words submission or headship. Nor does it refer to the most classic passage on marriage, Ephesians 5. There are no listening techniques or explanations of gender differences. The kingdom model that Tripp describes transcends gender, roles, and the “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine” ideas that pervade most approaches to marital troubles.

Tripp instead starts with the most basic question each of us will answer in our lives: “Whose kingdom?” “We are kingdom-oriented people," Tripp writes. "We always live in the service of one of two kingdoms . . . When we live for the kingdom of self, our decisions, thoughts, plans, actions, and words are directed by personal desire [and] we seek to surround ourselves with people who will serve our kingdom purposes." Conflict occurs when the kingdom of self collides with our spouse’s kingdom, and when they do not acquiesce to our wants, needs, and feelings. Two people pursuing their own kingdoms throughout a marriage will eventually end in bloody battle. But what if both people decide to submit to God’s kingdom, where Christ reigns supreme and where joy, meaning, and life are found? A heart reorientation of this magnitude is where real change begins, and the conflict of a marriage becomes an “opportunity to exit the small space of the kingdom of self and to begin to enjoy the beauty and benefits of the kingdom of God.”

This paradigm shift breathes hope into any marriage, especially those filled with disappointment, anger, and despair. Tripp explains what we all need to grasp, that “[God] has designed marriage to expose the neediness of your heart and in so doing, to bring you to the end of yourself." In other words, it is an act of God’s rescuing grace that we are brought to places in our marriage where we cannot depend on intelligence, communication skills, or tactics of manipulation. Relational change occurs only when our worship is properly aligned with the God who jealously pursues our hearts and who calls us to total dependence.

The question that must be answered next is, How do I now repair a marriage that has been torn apart by two warring kingdoms? The rest of Tripp’s book thoughtfully and biblically describes how two people can rebuild their marriage by developing a culture of ongoing reconciliation based on six commitments (listed at the end of this review). These commitments assume that both people are hopeless sinners who are constantly tempted to operate out of self-righteousness, self-love, and self-protection. We are then given practical (though not easy) steps to uproot patterns of relating and replace them with new ones, the most important of which is examining how trust has been broken and what needs to be done to rebuild trust, which is vital to the success of any marriage.

Perhaps the most challenging truth that Tripp encourages us to embrace is that our greatest marital problem is ourselves. The Bible continually warns us of our own self-deception and requires us to accept that we do not see ourselves the way God sees us. We will always rise to our own defense and succumb to blaming someone else and believing the best about ourselves. Not surprisingly, God specifically uses the marital relationship to reveal the sin of self-righteousness. A marriage that is doomed to fail can be transformed when even just one person begins to see themselves in this light and confesses with genuine humility the ways they have damaged the relationship. Grace is available in full measure when we recognize this and let God examine our hearts so thoroughly that we are willing to accept whatever it is he reveals to us.

What Did You Expect? is a discourse on the transforming power of grace, offered to anyone who has come to the end of themselves. Whether you are just now realizing your need for help, your marriage is full of conflict and riddled by anger and bitterness, or you are living in silent cohabitation, Tripp’s work will open your eyes to the redeeming work that God desires to accomplish in your life. Most of us didn’t expect marriage to be as hard as it is, but God’s sovereign plan includes such difficulties for the purpose of aligning our hearts to his big-sky kingdom and rescuing us from our own.

Doesn't that sound like an awesome book on marriage to read? The last time I read a book on marriage was during our pre-marital counseling. I plan on making this a must read soon!

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